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Executive Functioning Differences----You can't work on a SUPPORT PLAN & Work Arounds if you're too busy fighting REALITY

7/3/2022

I don't think you can ignore executive functioning differences ---

But trying to FIX the person's DEVELOPMENTAL DIFFERENCES given current knowledge is not gonna work.
- Further, in a lot of Neuro-Diverse Relationships in which both partners may have some aspects of Neuro-Diversity
  - Those unrealistic judgments may be going in BOTH DIRECTIONS.

Most Neuro-Diverse Families are going to have complicated Executive Functioning needs of individuals within the family that need to be accommodated or worked around.

The more UNDERSTANDING & SUPPORT there is from the SOCIETY --- the EASIER it will be for everyone.

As hard as it is --- you often have to FACTOR IN --- SLOW PROCESSING.

I think for a lot of us --- we were often considered "SMART" and "HARD-WORKING" --- and we had a really hard time identifying that we couldn't do things in the same way as NEURO-TYPICALS and avoid a BURNOUT or BREAKDOWN.

The fact is we have a lot of Neuro-Diverse people in this Society and they're BURNING OUT and BREAKING DOWN ----

It's going to take INDIVIDUALIZED & COORDINATED EFFORTS on the part of Individuals BUT
I think it also takes INDIVIDUALIZED MEDICINE
AND More Understanding & Experience with working with these differences not just in a VACUUM but in FAMILIES, COMMUNITIES, WORK ENVIRONMENTS, etc.

The EFFORT on the part of Neuro-Diverse people TO MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS & WORK AROUNDS is often SQUARED or MORE.

The likelihood that you may be in a relationship or have kids with IDIOSYNCRATIC DIFFERENCES is probably pretty high.
The likelihood that you may work for "Neuro-Typicals" who have no understanding of your needs is also probably pretty high.
Maybe even more likely that you're working for a Neuro-Diverse ENTREPRENEUR who really needs you to be a "Neuro-Typical."

So there are the TWO BIG AREAS: Work & Love

It is all connected.

BUT it is NOT just Work & Love --- this also includes the Community and the need for Neuro-Diverse people to CONTRIBUTE to the Community and be part of the Community ----

Time, Empathy, Relationships & Economics

6/26/2022

Thinking is hard and if you are trying to understand someone who thinks even a little bit differently than you do --- that's "EFFORT."

Some people now and likely more in the future are going to have more information and understanding to NEGOTIATE NEURO-DIVERSITY upfront rather than FAR DOWN THE ROAD in their RELATIONSHIPS.

Neurodiversity is something that to the extent possible needs to be SPECIFICALLY NEGOTIATED UP FRONT in RELATIONSHIPS, especially ---
- Long Term Relationships and
- Work Relationships

Whether it's a life partner or a business partner -- accurate information and some creativity and care can make the difference ---

BUT going into this in the dark can be a NIGHTMARE and it's not fun for anybody.

We're way ahead of people before us and a lot of that is due to the Youtube efforts of Neurodiverse people.

BUT we've got a long way to go.

There's an enormous need for INFORMATION, UNDERSTANDING and BETTER TREATMENTS.

I think we need to really address what it is going to take for some people to manage that RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE.
- I think it's a lot more than we've traditionally thought.

We need to invest the Time and Money for BETTER UNDERSTANDINGS and TREATMENTS.

Louise Taylor is a Neurodiverse Therapist and she herself has an AUTISM DIAGNOSIS and she certainly comes across as one of the MOST EMPATHETIC PEOPLE one is likely to ever meet.

EMPATHY IS EFFORT.

TIME IS MONEY

If you're a "SLOW PROCESSOR"
- maybe because you're processing more information
And you're Neuro-Diverse
Your spouse is Neuro-Diverse
and your kids are Neuro-Diverse
SOMEBODY(S) needs to EXERCISE A LOT of EMPATHY --- to FIGURE THAT OUT in 2022.
That is a TIME COST.

It is a profoundly PERSONAL and also ECONOMIC ISSUE to raise our understanding of Neuro-Developmental Differences for:

Individuals
Couples
Families
Workers and
Entrepreneurs

EMPATHY is EFFORT ---

But in the LONG RUN -- it is worth it.

Neuro-DIVERSE Relationships: A SOMETIMES TWO-WAY STREET in need of accurate maps

6/21/2022

I think there are relationships in which one person may be more "Neuro-Typical" than the other.
I also think there are A LOT of RELATIONSHIPS in which BOTH partners have significant aspects of NEURO-DIVERSITY.
Further, the MORE BLURRED that is --- without BIOMARKERS ---
- the MORE DIFFICULT it is to figure out the DYNAMICS and the NEEDS of BOTH people
- Especially, if you BOTH are FEELING and SAYING --- "THAT'S NOT REASONABLE."
  - You can BOTH spend a lot of time trying to prove to the other person that they aren't REASONABLE---
  - While RELATIONSHIP ACCOMMODATIONS and WORK AROUNDS that could make BOTH of your lives better are MISSED.

Now anybody can UNILATERALLY TERMINATE a Relationship and there are certainly REASONS for doing that ---
- BUT I think for many Neuro-Diverse Couples -- the relationship could benefit with more KNOWLEDGE and INSIGHT.
- Going most of your life without that KNOWLEDGE or INSIGHT is HARD and it likely will be HARD on your RELATIONSHIPS.
- NOT having an ACCURATE MAP and the SOCIETY NOT having an ACCURATE MAP of your experience is STRESS PRODUCING.
  - This is RELATIVE.
  - There is NO PERFECT MAP out there, but the MORE INACCURATE THE MAP, the MORE STRESS --- Val's Law of SOCIAL MAPS & STRESS.

Further, most Neuro-Diverse People ALREADY HAVE A RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE
- It's NOT all bad --
- BUT it is NOT all good either ---

Old World Map

I think Neuro-Diverse People can look pretty PATHOLOGICAL when they are trying to manage that SENSORY / INFORMATION Overload.

Because the RESPONSE --- whether it is Fight, Flight or Freeze --- doesn't seem PROPORTIONAL from a Neuro-Typical Perspective (even if neither one of you are quite Neuro-Typical)
I think this also relates to "REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA" and Emotions that tend to be TYPICAL in every way EXCEPT INTENSITY.

HUMOR -- COMIC RELIEF can help relieve the TENSION built up by relentless emotions that are TYPICAL in every way EXCEPT INTENSITY.
- BUT that too is fraught with peril.

I've been on both the giving and receiving end of UNAPPRECIATED HUMOR --- and it's not fun for anybody.

BUT I think as individuals and couples we are going to need to find some MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE ways to break the tension of RELENTLESS INTENSE EMOTIONS or it will take a HEAVY TOLL.

POSSIBLE RESOURCE:

Neurodiverse Couples Therapy in Lone Tree

Hyperfocus, Emotional Intensity & Ramped Up STress Responses in Neuro-Diversity require AWARENESS

6/19/2022

Conjecture

Adults and Kids with ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, and/or Gifted tend to have more INTENSE EMOTIONS ---
- maybe in part as the result of HYPER-CONNECTED BRAINS

On the one hand NEURO-DIVERSE people are often known for their ability to HYPER-FOCUS.

On the other hand, they have to spend more TIME and ENERGY processing INTENSE EMOTIONS.

Most people and certainly most NEURO-DIVERSE people find at some point in their lives that MANAGING STRESS requires a re-ordering of priorities:
- that could be a re-ordering for a child
- for an adult
- a couple, and/or
- a family

This is going to make RELATIONSHIPS ----
- MORE WORK.
- AWARENESS on the part of individuals and the society has the POTENTIAL to:
  - reduce STRESS and
  - improve relationships.

ADHD BOSS: Hyperfocus – How to Gain an Unfair Advantage with ADHD (2017)

VICE: People with ADHD can actually FOCUS so Hard it's Scary (2017)

Is it EMOTIONAL INTENSITY, EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION or BOTH?

The name or label we use tends to depend on whether we're referring to "GIFTEDNESS" or "ADHD" or "AUTISM," etc. ---

But they all come under the category of "Neurodiversity"

Neuro-Diversity and a Ramped Up Stress Response

IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH

5/31/2022

Is a Neuro-Developmental Difference / Disorder an Illness?

Well, it generally does involve DEVELOPMENTAL INFLAMMATION
Inflammation is associated with chronic illness, autoimmune disorders, psychiatric disorders, substance use disorders, cancer and pre-mature aging.

I think one of the reasons we have so much "NEURO-DIVERSITY" is as challenging as it is ---
- there are GIFTS

BUT it is getting harder and harder to IGNORE the LARGE HEALTH TOLL.

Further, many people are coming into this LATE to VERY LATE to TOO LATE DIAGNOSIS.
- That can have TRAGIC HEALTH CONSEQUENCES.

One of the things that FAMILIES have traditionally done is CARE FOR THE SICK.

BUT FAMILIES are NOT existing outside time and place:
- If the society attributes ILLNESS to a DEMON, the FAMILY may attribute a Family Member's Illness to a DEMON.
- If the society attributes ILLNESS to being a BAD PERSON --- ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER ---
  - The FAMILY may attribute the person's ILLNESS to being a BAD PERSON

If the FAMILY gets really honest:
- The FAMILY may acknowledge that the Family Member is NOT a DEMON or Evil
- BUT the FAMILY doesn't have a MAGIC WAND anymore than the SOCIETY does.

Harry Potter gets his wand in the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal (1957)

The Knight questions the "witch" to find the Devil in hopes of finding God.

Unfortunately, I could not find a clip that would play on this site.

Longmire (appropriately named)
TV Series premiered 2012

Follows the professional and personal challenges of Walt Longmire, a Wyoming Sheriff.

This clip examines the relationships of Walt's attorney daughter Cady after a "head injury" from a car accident.

See Wikipedia

Neuro-Diversity & The Darkest Night

5/21/2022

Neuro-Diverse Families are on the FRONTLINES of seeking SUSTAINABILITY in:

Education
Employment, and
Family Life

Especially for parents of a certain age, we learned of our own "NEURO-DIVERGENCE" by FIRST learning of that of our children.

Many of us went to great lengths to be "HONEST" with our partners and they with us ---- BUT ---
- If you don't understand the SIGNIFICANCE of what you or your partner are sharing -- you may still be in for a RUDE AWAKENING.

The thing about KIDS --- most of us are NOT going to "DIVORCE" our kids no matter what ---
- and that opens empathy and compassion for our partners and for ourselves.

In an interview I posted of Alain de Botton of The School of Life, de Botton maintains that IMPERFECTION STALKS US.

I would maintain that even more concerning --- IGNORANCE STALKS US.

The IGNORANCE that many of us have lived through with regard to NEURO-DIVERSITY will not be shared in the same INTENSITY by our children or those coming after us.

Our experiences and our lives are MOORED to SPECIFIC TIMES and PLACES.

The IGNORANCE of NEURO-DIVERSITY or SOMETHING ELSE ---- doesn't seem ETERNAL.

BUT the CHALLENGE of IGNORANCE does seem ETERNAL.

There certainly is NO FINAL ACHIEVEMENT or CONCLUSION from Self-Knowledge ----the INSIGHTS to come from many of our struggles may be made by our DESCENDENTS and people who are living long after we have passed away--- but there definitely can be BETTER.

In the short span of any individual life --- there's a need to INTEGRATE FAITH & REASON to FILL IN the GAPS of IGNORANCE that EMPIRICAL SCIENCE hasn't yet answered, or the answers are partial and imperfect and we're left with many more questions than we started with.

Long Term Relationships: The Philosopher and the Engineer [Alain de Botton and Paul with Asperger's from the Inside]

5/14/2022

Alain de Botton is a very engaging Swiss-born British Philosopher and Entrepreneur behind the "School of Life" and he mixes philosophy, history and a kind of therapy to bring "craziness" -- out of the closet and mainstream.

Paul with "Asperger's from the Inside" is an Australian Engineer and coach on Emotional Intelligence and Long Term Relationships --- to show "the human side of autism."

Alain de Botton: How Romanticism Destroyed Love

Botton combines a deep critique of ROMANTICISM with great faith in TEACHING with PESSIMISM.

The idea that ADULTERY was ever just a LEGAL ISSUE is pretty fanciful (Why do you think it is a LEGAL ISSUE? There are still places in the world where the punishment for ADULTERY is quite severe).

This didn't just start in the middle of the 18th Century. In other videos, Botton acknowledges that AVOIDING HUMAN JEALOUSY and EMOTIONAL & PRACTICAL CHAOS are 2 of the great pulls to MONOGAMY.

A big problem for Neuro-Diverse people is they have INTENSE EMOTIONS and MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS can put that on FULL DISPLAY. (I'll tackle that next week).

I think Botton's off-handed comments on "EMPLOYMENT" --- need to be explored further in the NEURO-DIVERGENT CONTEXT. If you have 2 people who are BRIGHT but not not particularly good "MANAGERS" ---- that is going to provide PROBLEMS to be SOLVED (see Paul).

Tekara.com
Fostering Creativity By Uncovering Different Perspectives

I do think Relationships are a lot about learning about ourselves and our partners--- Botton's concept of "TEACHING" in relationships as expressed in other videos I think needs to be modified with the insights of Paul below.

For Neuro-Divergent People --- many of whom found out the HARD WAY that they were NEURO-DIVERGENT through a BURNOUT(s) and or BREAKDOWN ---- you are keenly aware of your ignorance and the society's.

Ironically, Botton may ultimately understand that SOCIETAL IGNORANCE because he understands the importance of HISTORY --- and what we lack in knowledge for one age is not necessarily true for another.

Paul with Asperger's from the Inside

3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages --- (Is Your Partner Autistic? ADHD? Neurotypical?!?)

Solve Problems Soon
Set Your Partner Up for Success
Focus on What You Can Control (Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First)

Neuro-Diversity, different limits & transitions

5/14/2022

Conjecture

Awareness of DIFFERENT LIMITS
- "Hyper-Focusing" --- I think "hyper-focusing" is ADAPTIVE to the demands of greater SENSORY PROCESSING ---
  - If I'm "hyper-focusing" ---- it actually costs me a lot less ENERGY than SWITCHING BETWEEN MULTIPLE Tasks

There are a lot of MULTIPLE TASKS that people in a MARRIAGE or FAMILY need accomplished every day.

That is a BIG SUBJECT of NEGOTIATION in any relationship but in a relationship in which one or both partners have ADHD, Autism, and/or are Gifted, etc. ---It is going to be MORE COMPLEX.

Asperger's from the Inside

Paul discusses the surprisingly complicated issue of TRANSITIONS.

This ISSUE of TRANSITIONING from one gear to another turns out not just to be SURPRISING but I would say quite SERIOUS.

Paul is saying the ineffective management of TRANSITIONS leads to BURNOUT and I would say MULTIPLE or SERIOUS BURNOUTS lead to BREAKDOWN.

Paul is someone who as child was identified as "Gifted" BUT as an ADULT got a late diagnosis of "Asperger's" ---- and he probably is more "STEREOTYPICAL" for that "CATEGORY" ---

in some respects
BUT he is going to great lengths to try to EXPLAIN Himself to Himself and Others, and
to have better relationships by more clearly UNDERSTANDING and ARTICULATING his needs ---
- which most people DON'T UNDERSTAND and that's often including the person.

One of the CONCERNS around significant "Hyper-Focusing" or "Mono-Tasking" is that ---
- this is INCONSIDERATE of the NEEDS of OTHERS in your LIFE.

One of the MANY DOUBLE BINDS or CATCH-22s for many Neuro-Diverse people is that "Hyper-Focusing" is helping to manage a quite UNWIELDY SENSORY LOAD that if not properly managed can lead to BOTH ------

Mental Health Problems and
Physical Health Problems such as:
- gut problems
- migraines, and/or
- chronic disease related to INFLAMMATION
- etc.

If you have 2 "Gifted" "Neuro-Diverse" people heading up the family ---- they may have quite UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS of themselves and of each other.

For so many people, that "Giftedness" turned out a lot differently than what we thought ---- and we can be very hard on ourselves and those around us.

Further, managing this does require some CONSCIOUS EFFORT --- and for so many GIFTED NEURO-DIVERSE people --- they are learning all this while they are trying to use INACCURATE MAPS.

I personally think these issues are so consequential to the health and well being of Neuro-Diverse people, their relationships and their families --- that we need to move them way up on the PRIORITY LIST.

Now as the population becomes more Neuro-Diverse with greater levels of Neuro-Developmental Inflammation --- those numbers are driving change whether its GLUTEN FREE DIETS or something else

Neuro-Diverse people are having to WORK HARDER and MORE CONSCIOUSLY to manage their relationships to other people and their relationships to physical and social environments.

This is also DRIVING THE NEED FOR PRECISION MEDICINE.

I think MORE HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are absolutely doable BUT that requires UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES and OTHERS.

A big part of that in 2022 is understanding Differences in Sensory Processing ---
How to get the "GIFTS" without Burning Out or Breaking Down Ourselves or Others.

Forward>>

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