The Double Blind, Triple Secret Gaslight

When we think about this kind of "GASLIGHTING" we're often talking about some kind of DUPLICITY --- and that is it's own FEAR-BASED PATHOLOGY.

What I'm wanting to talk about is I think something that is more COMMON and more HONEST but nonetheless PROBLEMATIC among Neuro-Diverse People:

• Ramped Up Stress Responses
• Catastrophizing
• Emotional Intensity
• NOT being duped by the crazy ideas of the other person
• BUT those crazy ideas are the GASLIGHT to your own ramped exaggerated concerns about the other person.

THIS CAN BE A DOWNWARD SPIRAL.

I'm not saying there aren't dangerous situations out there --- there are --- we need to deal with them.

BUT sometimes what is happening is situations are being WORSENED by our own STRESS RESPONSES that are HARMING our OVERALL HEALTH and our OVERALL ABILITY TO PROBLEM-SOLVE.

Some people worry about MONEY, LOVE, the WEATHER, POLITICS, their KIDS, and/or GRANDKIDS, etc.

I remember my maternal grandmother saying, "YOU'RE GOING TO WORRY ME TO DEATH" -- if one of the grand-kids was doing something that was a little questionable.

• Ignoring something wasn't necessarily the right response --
• Getting "worried to death" probably isn't either.

For people who are Neuro-Diverse with ramped up STRESS RESPONSES -----our ATTACHMENT STYLES and RAMPED UP CONFLICT STYLES can be PROBLEMATIC just as in other cases they can be BENEFICIAL.

Attachment Styles Viewed Through the Biological Drivers of Sensory Overload & Anxiety

AND you add on to all of this EMOTIONAL INTENSITY --- that can include Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria ---- and you have the DOUBLE BLIND, TRIPLE SECRET GASLIGHT.

ADHD, Reciprocity, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Differences in Intensity

Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight (1944)

"Gaslighting" has entered the lexicon deriving from "the title of the 1944 American film Gaslight, though the term did not gain popular currency in English until the mid-2010s.

• The term may also be used to describe a person (a "gaslighter") who presents a false narrative to another group or person, thereby leading them to doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented or distressed.
  
• Oftentimes this is for the gaslighter's own benefit.
• Normally, this dynamic is possible only when the audience is vulnerable, such as in unequal power relationships, or fearful of the losses associated with challenging the false narrative. (Wikipedia)

To me what is HILARIOUS --- is there is this Australian Engineer with Autism on YouTube who is giving some of the best relationship advice out there.

A big insight I think that Paul Micallef has is to SOLVE PROBLEMS "SOON" --- but not necessarily immediately.

I tend to get so stressed out --- that I used to think things had to be solved immediately:

• Unfortunately, my ramped up stress response could ramp up the other person and OVERWHELM them with ANXIETY---PANIC
• which would lead to my own PANIC
• and it didn't necessarily lead to anything getting resolved.
  

3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages --- (Is Your Partner Autistic? ADHD? Neurotypical?!?)

• Solve Problems Soon
• Set Your Partner Up for Success
• Focus on What You Can Control (Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First)