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Understanding Physical & Emotional Limits

8/24/2022

I think the first thing to understand is that we all have physical and emotional limits.

Further, they are not the same.

What one person finds REJUVENATING is the next person's STRESS NIGHTMARE.

Understanding a spouse, child, family member or friend's "LIMITS" ---- helps us from taking things "PERSONALLY."
- The other side of that is that taking things "PERSONALLY" is often what motivates us to figure things out.

When it comes to PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL LIMITS in Neuro-Diversity ---- that is extremely COMPLICATED.
- There are VISUAL CUES but they are not necessarily what we're expecting --- sometimes they are.
- Further, it is not just "OTHERS" that find this COMPLICATED --- it is the person themselves.

For Neuro-Diverse Couples, Spouses, Families --- once you can start to recognize some IDIOSYNCRATIC ENERGY and EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFERENCES ---

It's not necessarily that big a deal.
BUT if you don't make some relationship ACCOMMODATIONS & WORK-AROUNDS --
- it can certainly become a big deal and likely will become a big deal.

The "FAMILY" is the Foundation of Society and whether its your BIOLOGICAL FAMILY or a CHOSEN FAMILY --- you and they are getting a BACKSTAGE PASS to Human Reality.

A challenging thing is making ACCOMMODATIONS and WORK-AROUNDS for others
And an even SCARIER thing is asking for those ACCOMMODATIONS and WORK-AROUNDS.

"Religion is for Those Who Don't Want to Go to Hell --- Spirituality is for Those Who Have Been There"

8/14/2022

For some Neuro-Diverse people the way we were going to manage that RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSE was --- we were going to be PERFECT and the people around us we're going to be PERFECT.

Not only were we not PERFECT BUT a lot of the things we were were doing were BURNING OURSELVES and THOSE AROUND US OUT.

Also ---- WE'RE UNCONSCIOUSLY BREAKING OURSELVES and OTHERS down with PARTIAL ONE-SIDED VIEWS of our own and others' STRENGTHS and WEAKNESSES.

In fairness, it takes ENERGY to deal with this much more complicated reality of ourselves and others --- especially, when we don't generally have all the information we need to SMOOTHLY navigate all this.

We're born into the MIDDLE of A STORY ---

We try to figure it out as fast as we can ---
AND we don't see the end.

I was listening to the interview of a woman who was a member of the Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston and she said ----"If I bet on love ---I may suffer but I'm not going to lose."

Bringing Religion in from the Cold

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Relationships are "PERSONAL" --- BUT Many of the Drivers are "IMPERSONAL"

Especially in the world today --- looking at Neuro-Developmental Differences, Psychiatric Disorders and Substance Issues ----
- That's not just affecting a HANDFUL OF PEOPLE --- It's affecting MILLIONS and probably over a BILLION PEOPLE.
  - In the US --- low grade inflammation is the NORM

In some ways --- IF WE CAN SURVIVE IT --- Neuro-Developmental Differences may be the ANTIDOTE to the ME GENERATION
- Just as Climate Change is FORCING A RECKONING on the ENVIRONMENTAL LEVEL.

With Genetics, Epigenetics, Developmental Inflammation and Inflammation Acquired During the Lifetime ----
- That is pushing PRECISION MEDICINE.

It's also pushing an understanding of HISTORY, of Issues that stand out like GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, but also AUTO-IMMUNE DISEASE and perhaps uncovering long-term biological challenges in the move away from AGRICULTURAL SOCIETIES --
- that weren't perfect either.

Ramped Up Stress Responses Often Lead to Control Freaks

8/7/2022

I think "Controlling Behavior" is a big deal for most people whether ---

They are primarily Abstract Thinkers or
Are Very Concrete or
Have a MIX

To me, it is a lot about RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES.

To illustrate --- Controlling Behavior from more CONCRETE THINKERS.

So I'm starting to get "BACK OUT THERE" and start hanging out at the equivalent of Neuro-Diverse Singles Bars without any ALCOHOL (generally) -

BUT plenty of PATTERNS
I'm speaking of various forms of CHOREOGRAPHED DANCING.

So I am in some ways like Frank James --- a big time ABSTRACT THINKER ---

But CHOREOGRAPHED SOCIAL DANCING doesn't just attract ABSTRACT THINKERS -

it also attracts a lot of ENGINEERS and COMPUTER GUYS, etc.

See James is under the MISAPPREHENSION that ABSTRACT THINKERS are the most CONTROLLING because he so in his head.

So am I.

BUT it is really the CONCRETE THINKERS who are telling everyone what to do.

The ABSTRACT THINKERS are keeping it to themselves and quietly imploding ---
AND the MIX are trying to APPROPRIATELY ASSERTIVELY COMMUNICATE.

So I'm at one of these dances last night and some of this stuff has been rubbing me the wrong way

The sort of "TEACHER" attitude ---
- I don't mind if you are the "TEACHER" but if NOT --- ZIP IT.

When I say "TEACHER" attitude I'm referring to both CORRECTION and trying to "CONTROL" through praise.

I don't mind a well-intentioned correction or the nice compliment --- BUT I'm not looking for a pat on the head and some of these guys are just trying to correct everybody.

Kinda like I try to correct everyone on this website.

If I sound ultra sensitive -- that's because I am.

Anyway I'm at one of these dances the other night and this nice older gentleman asks me my name -- Val and its short for VALERIE.
- Well, he precedes to tell me that Valerie is much prettier and that's what I should go by.
- "DO I KNOW YOU?"
- AND even if I did know you . . . really?

"CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" is something that most of us do ----

AND you can get out of "HOMEOSTASIS" or some kind of BALANCE.
If your STRESS RESPONSE is RAMPED UP ---
- may be getting out of "HOMEOSTASIS" or that Aristotelian Mean -- more than you realize
  - Especially, if the CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR is CALMING YOU.

I think that is the problem with "CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" --- it's really about trying to CALM the person exercising the CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.

And people with RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES are often looking to CALM THEMSELVES.

I love this IDEA that "AWARENESS" can make things "BETTER ALREADY."

Frank James --- ABSTRACT THINKER that he is --- ends his meditation on "INFJs" and Controlling Behavior with "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE."

If that doesn't feel appropriate maybe "UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD" for ourselves and others ---
AND at least trying to get some AWARENESS of "CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR" that I think can be pretty common BUT comes in a lot of different guises.

LIKE THIS BLOG.

*Myers-Brigg is popular BUT a lot of studies have found it -- "meaningless."

I think it gives people a vocabulary to discuss "personality" traits --- in some ways not unlike the DSM --- although we're putting a lot more "FAITH" in the DSM.

So this is PROBLEMATIC ---- people do need a VOCABULARY/DICTIONARY even if it is an IMPERFECT one.

BUT from a LEGAL, ETHICAL and MORAL standpoint we wouldn't use Myers-Brigg in the CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM --- and we really shouldn't be using DSM CATEGORIES either.

THAT IS HUGELY PROBLEMATIC --- But a Public Health Approach to Criminal Justice could sure help.

Mommy and Daddy Issues in Neuro-Diversity--- Recognizing Different Patterns

8/7/2022

Conjecture

One of the things that we tend to do over the course of a LIFETIME is recognize PATTERNS in RELATIONSHIPS.
We also are sometimes/generally forced to recognize where those PATTERNS are NOT THE SAME.

I didn't grow up in a family with traditional sexual stereotypes ---

My Parents encouraged us to do what we wanted to do.
Both my parents were neat freaks --- and my Dad especially ---
- There was going to be ORDER IN THAT HOUSE--- he was very nice about it and he really didn't mind doing it himself --- BUT there was going to be ORDER IN THAT HOUSE.

What I did grow up with and what I think most people grow up with is "INTELLIGENCE STEREOTYPES."

"A Cluttered Desk is a Cluttered Mind" --- which was said with a SENSE of HUMOR and there weren't going to be any cluttered desks or kitchen tables if my Dad was around.

I didn't just wake up one day and become CHRONICALLY DISORGANIZED --- it's been a pretty constant feature ---

BUT because I did well in School
And SCHOOL sometimes favors the STRENGTHS of GIRLS---
It wasn't perceived to be a huge problem --- and I think my parents thought I would grow out of it.
Unfortunately for me, I did so well in school that I picked a PROFESSION in which ORGANIZATION is a BIG COMPONENT.
- So that takes a lot out of me.

For my generation --- it was so much about getting that EDUCATION and there was little thought about how all of this was going to work out into a COHERENT WHOLE.

That's a lot less true today.
If you got that EDUCATION --
- It meant you were "SMART"
- and it was going to work out.

Jennifer Lopez
Ain't Your Mama

Helen Reddy --- "I Am Woman" (1971)
(I was 8 years old in 1971)

I CANNOT DO ANYTHING or EVERYTHING. If I try to do EVERYTHING --- I WILL BURNOUT and/or BREAKDOWN.

Further, because my SENSORY PROCESSING is SO RAMPED UP it takes me more time to PROCESS all that ---

I think I generally get a better answer.
But it is taking MORE TIME.

Additionally, especially when it comes to being a HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN with a FAMILY& NEURO-DIVERSE ---

You can really be perceived as an ODDBALL.
AND this Society is definitely NOT SET UP FOR YOU.

HOW THIS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE:

Both Sides Now

I think this does have a lot to do with RAMPED UP STRESS RESPONSES and why so many Neuro-Diverse people struggle in RELATIONSHIPS.

Maybe Neuro-Typical people are struggling too and are Stressed BUT
Thankfully have not reached that NEURO-DIVERSE STRESS THRESHOLD.

blackgirllostkeys.com

Understanding Physical & Emotional Limits

"Religion is for Those Who Don't Want to Go to Hell --- Spirituality is for Those Who Have Been There"

Ramped Up Stress Responses Often Lead to Control Freaks

Mommy and Daddy Issues in Neuro-Diversity--- Recognizing Different Patterns

Translational Love, Relationships & Neuro-Diversity Saturday

Archives

Categories

​blackgirllostkeys.com

Understanding Physical & Emotional Limits

"Religion is for Those Who Don't Want to Go to Hell --- Spirituality is for Those Who Have Been There"

Ramped Up Stress Responses Often Lead to Control Freaks

Mommy and Daddy Issues in Neuro-Diversity--- Recognizing Different Patterns

Translational Love, Relationships & Neuro-Diversity Saturday

Archives

Categories

blackgirllostkeys.com